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27 September 2007 @ 12:05 pm
Ah. Privacy. The beauty of my live journal is that unlike my myspace no one here knows me (personally I mean). Yes there are people who pop in and read my posts from time to time but they have never met me, save one and she is one of my best friends and there's nothing I wouldn't tell her. I would actually prefer strangers read my most personal thoughts and problems. Why? Privacy. They don't know me. They don't know who I am. They are not affected by my problems or choices. They have no bias. They have no affect on me. They are always welcome to comment, I always want feedback from unbiased sources of wisdom, but if they say something downright mean or discouraging then it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter b/c their opinion cannot affect me b/c they don't know me. It's just that simple. Not so simple with my myspace.

So I had a bad mushroom trip on my birthday. I've tripped mushrooms many times before, always a good experience. Never hallucinated or got upset or had a 'bad trip'. Always just felt very warm and fuzzy and happy and nostalgic and everything looked the same but prettier. Not so the last time. The last time I overdosed and thought I was dying (which I wasn't). It was barnun (sp?) one of the worst experiences of my life. Right up there with my husband leaving me and being molested as a child. Same category. Anyway. To make a long story short, after that I resolved to quit drugs (all drugs) for a while. The only thing I was doing on a regular basis was drinking and smoking cannabis. However, during my trip I thought about my life over the past 2 or 3 years and realized that I've been sedating myself everyday for a very long time. People who are happy and just want something to play with get 'high'. I don't get 'high'. I get sedated. I use alcohol and cannabis to sedate myself in the evenings and at night so I can stop thinking about my problems and stop stressing and maybe go to sleep or have a good time just talking to my friends. It helps a great deal, especially when I am out of Welbutrin. But, when the morning comes I can't deny my problems or hide from them anymore. I have to face them for another full day until I can settle in later that night and sedate myself. This doesn't make me very productive. I want to get somewhere in life and I'm more effective when my sedation is only seldom and not everyday. When I woke up in the gravel terrified in the midst of the worst mental and emotional torment I've ever experienced I realized my problems had caught up to me and I had let things go too far. I wasn't dabbling anymore. I had a four year old son who needed me and I was unconscious on the ground in a strange place with people I didn't know due to a mild and harmless (yet nonetheless terrifying) drug overdose. Something had to give. I always say that people have to reach their own version of the "bottom" the "pit" before they will change. The pit was in sight and I realized I didn't want to go there. I didn't want to live in an altered state of mind anymore. I wanted reality and I wanted to succeed and I wanted to be a good mother.

And so I have drank twice in the last 3 weeks. A total of 4 beers. Not bad for me. I actually managed to go a whole week without drinking and that's the longest I've been in a while. Sad to say, but hey, I don't have to lie here. The smoking of cannabis I have been doing almost as much as before, but not everyday and I haven't bought any as my money is better spent on more important things. I am also trying to quit cigarettes. The cigarettes may not be as easy to quit as the weed and the alcohol. Once I get myself under control again I will sedate myself (mildly drink or smoke) 2 or 3 times a month. And after that, hey I might decide to make it even less. Baby steps. I am already making progress and I am proud of myself for that. I will undoubtedly lose some people along the way. The people who are so far into it or just not ready to give it up. That's ok. We all have our reasons for the choices we make, I certainly cannot criticize.

And now I have to vent some more. I have so many things on my mind that it would be a great help to me if I could just sort through them for a moment.

My grandmother has turned a cold heart to me. She looks down on me now, for reasons I am not sure of. She used to be my most trusted ally and confidant, now she is old and perhaps going senile and she may allow me to have the house (my home) that she gave me, ripped out from under me by the IRS. She doesn't want my mother to help me with anything, especially money. She doesn't like or worse, love, my son. This is all painful to me but I"m trying to convince myself it is due to her old age. She is 70.

My father is never there when I need him nor will he ever be. Sometimes I wonder if he loves me. Nay, most of the time I am pretty sure he does not love me and any love he does show me is out of guilt to clear his own conscience. I think this is b/c I was raised by my mother and I remind him of her. I have realized over time that I will always be the black sheep on that side of my family, and that no achievement on my part will earn his love. Maybe his respect, but not his love.

My mother helps me all the time with whatever she can whenever she can. I feel guilty for this b/c I am 23 years old with a house and a child of my own and I can't take care of myself.

My best friend, or pseudo-best friend. I question the sincerity of her friendship to me. I often think, more and more as time goes by, that she doesn't really like me or love me but that she just uses me. It becomes apparent all the time that she doesn't like me. She rarely agrees with anything I say or do. When I tell her something she doesn't want to hear she gets pissed at me. She gets pissed at me alot. In fact I downright get on her nerves frequently. I overheard her telling someone (in tears, during our bad mushroom trip) that she hates me. she said and I quote "I love her but I hate her. But I need her b/c I don't have anybody and she's a good person". I already suspected that, from the beginning actually. She has a slightly co-dependent personality. She is bipolar. She has also exhibited what I believe to be some characteristics of sociopathy. Not to say that she is a sociopath, but that she may have some characteristics of a sociopath. This could be due to the fact that she lived somewhere between 18 and 20some odd places before she turned 18. Very developmental years. But I don't know, I'm not a psychiatrist. All I know is I don't really trust her much anymore and she gets pissed at me more and more frequently and this is causing me emotional and mental pain as well b/c my friendship to her was never on the basis of an alterior motive. And also, right now, she is the closest person to me. I loved her and trusted her and relied on her as a friend and a confidant. We were a team. And now, it's becoming more and more evident to me that we were not a team, and that perhaps I once again got mixed up with someone I should not have. I frequently do that. I let people into my life and begin over time to love and trust them and then I learn something like this, or like with Rob (my ex husband) and my ex best friend (his girlfriend), or like with the last guy I dated and...and it always comes out in the wash that people were not actually who they were presenting themselves to be. I am a very poor judge of character. This makes me think that the only way to be safe is to be alone. People see that my greatest weakness is my compassion and they immediately move to either exploit it or avoid it. It's very hard to see through people sometimes. I'm doing a better job of it. However, it is still difficult to discern the true sincerity from the alterior motives sometimes. Especially when you are lonely and in desperate need of someone that you can rely on for real. Someone that won't leave that loves you for who you are and not what you are willing to do for them. Even just a friend.

I need parts for my car. I don't have the money and my brakes are going to go out on me soon if I don't fix them.

I need to pay off my utilities. I'm tired of paying one shut-off notice at a time.

I need more hours at work. This two shifts a week isn't going to cut it. But right now they have so many people we have to squabble over shifts.

I need to get car insurance and get this ticket taken care of. Otherwise, I will be paying for insurance and a ticket and I can't honestly afford either.

My oil and radiator fluid needs changed. I don't k now how, and I don't have the money to pay someone.

The friend from work, who is also an electrician, who was supposed to run my wires in my house for me (b/c they are a fire hazard right now) can't do it b/c he doesn't have time. I don't have the money to pay an electrician. I don't know what I'm going to do. I just hope someone is compassionate enough to help me.

I have no living room right now. I'm remodeling it. But I can't finish it until the wires are ran.

My stomach hurts alot everyday. It never works right. Nothing on this goddamn body ever works right.

I'm out of my meds (welbutrin). I don't have health insurance. I don't qualify for medicaid b/c I choose to work for a living rather than draw welfare. Lovely system of public assistance we have. Right now I can't even get food stamps b/c they say I make too much. I really don't see how that's possible b/c I only work part time and I made less than 200 dollars last week. So you tell me how the fuck it's possible I don't qualify.

I just want to provide a safe and clean home for my son. No matter how much I work or how hard I study or how hard I try, I can't seem to do that.

I'm still hung up on the last guy I dated. We work together. I know why I am hung up on him now I just have to work through it on my own. I've been trying for almost 4 months now. It's not working very well. This annoys me b/c I know he isn't worth it. He is a good person, but he has done nothing for me or even been a good friend to me so...frankly everything he has done and said to me has been out of guilt and sympathy. This annoys me and it is unwelcome and I really need to get the fuck over him and regain my dignity. He doesn't know how I feel about him though, thank God.

I feel very lonely and very overwhelmed and scared and sad and....why am I even trying to explain myself.

one more thing: there are locusts. They have taken to a tree in my yard and they never shut up and I've even found a few in my house. What's next God? Perhaps you'd like to deposit boils on my skin? Your tests of faith are overdone and overrated. Let me rest for a while and move on to someone else. Please? Thank you. :)

I'm going to go try and get ahold of myself and go into work early and pick up a few extra hours. You all have a good day and thanks for listening. :)
 
 
What's the most extreme sport that you've tried?

White water rafting
 
 
24 September 2007 @ 08:20 pm
I cannot seem to keep up with my responsibilities.
Right now I am a single mother, working part time, going to school part time, trying to remodel my living room, find time to clean my house, study, keep up with bills and other related obligations including but not limited to doctor's appointments. It's insane the amount of things I need to accomplish in one day. Every day. No real "day off" from everything. The closest thing I have to a day off is the one day a week I reserve solely for my son. I can't seem to make enough money. I can't seem to find enough time or energy to study. I can't seem to get or keep my house clean. There are so many things I need to do. Even right now I should be doing about 6 other things. I try to organize my responsibilities and tackle them one at a time, but I can't help but feel overwhelmed. No matter what I do it's never enough, and someone always wants something. Nay, it's usual some people rather than just someone. I feel at times like I am drowning on a sinking ship in an ocean with no coast guard. I could get in a lifeboat or raft, but whether or not I would ever wash up on a shore or survive at all is even less likely than fixing my boat. I am 23 years old, and I still need my mother's help a great deal. I don't know what I would do without her, and that bothers me. I should be on my feet. I should be making a living wage. I should make A's in all my classes. I should be farther along in my degree. I should have a clean home for my son. I should be organized. All the should's. I try. But it's just never enough. Other people help where they can, but I can only ask so much of others and still maintain a clean conscience. And now, at 8:30 in the evening, I still at least need to clean my son's room. But I am tired. I really should clean his room and study b/c I am behind in my classes. I also need to get ahold of my professors about getting caught up. What's wrong with me? Am I being unrealistic about what I can achieve? Am I just a lazy person who will never succeed in life? All I know is, I've been up since 8 this morning (I overslept) and I am tired. I don't want to be tired. I want to feel good and energized and accomplish some more with my day. Perhaps I will just have to fight the way I "feel" everyday and buckle down and work harder. Work harder...
How much harder can I work? What good will it do? Any? There must be some way for me to be successful and happy in life. Is happiness at this age an unrealistic expectation? Is happiness only for the retired? But then again happiness is a state of mind. A state I find difficult to achieve. Well, I have to go tell my son good night and perhaps try to clean his room and organize it so that one can at least walk through it. Hope all of you have the luxury of resting right now. :)
 
 
03 March 2007 @ 12:55 pm
I have been using my myspace page as my venting tool for a while now, which is why I haven't had a journal entry in several months. I apologize. I will try to make it a point to post my publications on both sites in the future, although I don't have many friends on this particular site.

I like to use this site to post publications that I cannot post on myspace, particularly publications about people who read my myspace.

I don't have the energy to go into alot of detail, so some of what I am about to say will not make perfect sense, but I have to get it off my chest or I'll burst.

I met a guy, (yeah I know what's new). We've been seeing each other for about a month now, and things have been going very well until just this past week. Nay, things are still going very well, but IT finally happened.
What "It"? you ask. I found the one thing wrong with him that I just don't know if I can get over.

The Ex.

yeah. And i'm catching myself doing things I should not be doing. So my best friend and I decided together that I need to take a step back and reassess the situation and put myself in "check", directly where I belong, especially at this stage of dating.

Ok, this isn't even an ex that he was in love with. They didn't date very long. They stayed friends (how sweet). All of the previous I can deal with. Here's what I can't deal with:
1) She's openly not over him
2) They still see one another/talk (as friends) about once a week
3) I can't meet her (allegedly b/c she's not over him)
4) She invited him to dinner at her apartment monday night (with some other friends, supposedly)
5) he's going
6) he knows I'm upset about this
7) he's still going

Thoroughly annoyed is the only way I can adequately describe how I am feeling right now. I have a strong feeling that there will be no other friends at this gathering, mainly b/c I've asked him 2 or 3 times who else was going to be there and he has given me the same answer every time: "I don't know"

Now i've ran this by one or two other people just to make sure I wasn't overreacting. The general concensus is that I am not overreacting and that this is a legitimately upsetting thing.

And yet I am slightly confused b/c as far as I can tell he isn't lieing to me. And we have only been dating a month, it's too soon for any high expectations. this and some other questionable material on his myspace page have lead me to do the dirty thing: snooping.

yes, I swore I wouldn't do it and until now I saw no reason. But I went through his phone this morning while he was in the shower. :( and then I snooped around his apartment after he left for work. :(
Don't worry, I put everything back just as I had found it.

Here's what had me puzzled: I found nothing. Not even a porno. I expected to at least find some sort of pornographic material or a phone number or something, but no, nothing. This has never happened to me before. Never. I always find something.

My gut is either leading me astray or my overactive anti-trust mechanism is picking up on his ex and not on him. I mean to say that perhaps it is her I am so upset with/about.

yeah, I think the main reasons for my nausea with this situation are:
1) I don't trust her. Not an ounce. She's trying to keep her claws in him and I don't like it.
2) he knows how upset I am about this and he's still going?
3) sheer fear

Fear? of him breaking up with me for her. I know he's told me a million times I have nothting to worry about. I know he broke up with her at least 3months ago. I know they didn't date very long at all. I know all his friends say he talks about me all the time. I know his dad and stepmom want to meet me. I know that she is the only thing standing in my way of bliss with this guy and I don't appreciate it. I'm afraid b/c I can cite at least four instances where I was broken up with/divorced for another woman. yes, at least four times, more if you count my ex husband. I'm trying not to count b/c I'm still trying to convince myself that I'm not cursed and it's all one big ugly coincidence.

Also, I may have lost my job yesterday.

And so today I'm feeling a little on edge.

But all I can do about this is:
1)step back
2) take a deep breath
3) put it all in perspective
4) realize it's out of my hands
5) go to work
6) go to class
7) get very drunk with my best friend monday night (coincidentally the same night that he is having dinner with his ex)

----dear God I hope she remembers to hide my phone from me----

:) Drop me a line if anyone reads this
 
 
31 January 2007 @ 10:21 am
Taking someone at face value can be a very dangerous thing. I knew this, yet I made that leap anyway.

I really feel like a fool. I hate that feeling. I haven't felt this way in a while. I guess to a degree I did trust James, and I should not have.

After Bryan I promised myself I was not going to date anymore. No more men. Not until after I was done with school at least, maybe longer. Maybe never. But at least for the next 2 or 3 years. I was already scarred, damaged goods, after what happened with my ex husband. Then the brief relationships that followed after that. Then of course Bryan really hurt me too, he was the icing on the cake. So I said to myself that I would retreat from the world of dating and men and relationships and sex and that I would just take care of me and my son and concentrate on getting my life together and getting where I wanted to be. Because that's all I really have, me and my son and my goals, I can't rely on anyone else, and I can't trust anyone else.

My entire life I have never had a healthy relationship with a man. Not my father, not my stepfather, none of my boyfriends or my husband. Never been safe with a man. Never really felt loved by a man. I felt loved by my ex husband. He was the first man I really trusted and felt bonded to and safe with, and he let me down in such a horrible way and became this monster that tormented me mentally and emotionally, used me, Those of you who have followed my journal know the story. I know I am young, so to say "my entire life" may seem like an insignificant statement in terms of numbers. So let me restate it in a different way: in 22 years, all that I have known from the male sex is disappointment and hurt feelings, violated trust, let downs, excuses, put downs, hurt self esteem, etc The list goes on and isn't really that important.

Anyway, if I was a typical person I would say that men suck. But I don't think it's men. I don't think it has anything to do with the male sex. There are all different kinds of men just like there are all different kinds of women. There is definately something not right with that though. I don't know if it's me, something I am doing wrong that somehow I am attracting or am attracted to the wrong men. I don't know. Maybe I've just had very bad luck for a very long time, I don't know. At this point in the game it does not matter.

You know attempting to date was an honest attempt to convince myself that somewhere there was a man who could love and appreciate me that I could trust. That someone (male) could value me. And the fact that so many times I have started to feel for someone and they have let me down or hurt me, even the "nice guys", like James. I thought he was too good for me and I guess he realized that, or he is trying to work things out with his ex, I don't know. I don't know what to think of his present behavior towards me. You know I'd like to know why he is being this way so suddenly, but the reason doesn't change the fact that to be treated this way is the last thing I need right now.

Recent events have not helped my ability to trust or my self-esteem or sense of self-worth or my confidence or my son's confidence in adult men. I don't need this right now. To be rejected by someone that I trusted and thought so highly of is not what I needed right now. I really think I need to withdraw from this sport called Dating. I have enough problems. I have enough issues. I am damaged enough as it is.

Being that I don't think I can deal with this anymore, the rejection and the let down and the disappoint and the hurt trust, dating is not a healthy choice for me right now. I really need to just be left alone. No more. I'm done. This is not fun, there is no payoff in this for me. I really need to stop letting men chip away at my ego and my self-worth and my ability to trust.

Evidently I am a poor judge of character or there is just something about me that most men cannot respect enough to be careful with me, I don't know, whatever it is, I should not date. I should not try to trust men. I am too tired anyway. Emotionally and mentally I am just too tired to try to endure this. I am folding and leaving the table and retreating to my own life where I value myself and my son values me and my close friends value me. Where I am more than just the newest piece of ass. Where I'm a person and that counts for something.

My ex husband was right, men don't care about me, I will not find someone who can love me and respect me and be faithful to me. I give up, he was right and I am too tired of trying to prove him wrong.

And don't anybody even dare respond with some bullshit about the kind of guy I need to look for how I need to get a nice guy or I'm just looking in the wrong places or any of that crap. Spare me. James was a nice guy, he had a heart of gold, but he is still in love with his ex, whether or not she is in love with him I don't know and I don't care. James has told me in every nice way he can that he does not love me. I have hung on for the same reasons I endured this very same bullshit with Bryan, b/c I cared so deeply for him. James is a far better person than Bryan, he's even a better person than me, but we met at the wrong time and he has not had enough time to get over her and I am a single mother and he does not need complications like that in his life, even if he does care for bubby.

So in summation, spare me the bullshit, I don't want to hear it, this is not a direct result of any decision I have made except for one: the decision to date period. That's where I made the mistake, I am cursed and I have been since the day I was born and I will always be and that's it. Never again, I can't take anymore blows to ego.
 
 
 
26 January 2007 @ 07:34 pm
I apologize that I have not posted in a while. I have a myspace now and I frequently blog on there and I suppose I have just been lazy as of recent.

I think I told you all that Bryan broke up with me in an awfully unkind way but that he did return and give me the $1000 he knew I needed.
About 2 weeks ago I ran into him while out with another guy. Bryan and I stepped outside to talk for a second and he poured his heart out to me and told me how sorry he was and that he missed me terribly and so on. I don't know if he missed me or if he is just lonely. I was kind to him but I did not accept his request for me to "make that guy go away" and let him "come home" and that he would "give bubby and I all that he possibly can".
As much as I would love to believe his sincerity, experience has taught me time and again that things are not usually all that different when you "take someone back". I would love it if I could believe him and he kept his word, but I just know in my heart that he wouldn't. I have the utmost of empathy for him b/c I trully believe that he is miserable, but he is attributing that misery to not being with me, and I don't think it's nearly as much about me as it is him.
I wish, but I am afraid that is an opportunity that I will have to let pass.

My car is broken down an will be for a while. I am saving money in the hopes to buy a new one. Doing without a car is making me extremely unhappy.

And I know you have heard me talk about men before. But I have met someone that I am falling hard for. He is really honestly trully and genuinly a nice guy. He has a heart of gold. My best friend scott used to be close friends of him as well, and he thinks very highly of him and was very happy to see that he and were together. However, we have converted to "just friends".
He just came out of a 3 year relationship abot 2 months ago. He loved her and he asked her to marry him. She said no. I won't go into the details but they are ghorry and she was rather abusive, mostly verbally.
I know he still loves her, even though he is very angry with her. He said he doesn't think he would take her back if she asked, but he can't say that for certain. So, this has put quite the damper on things between us.
At first everything was utter bliss, unlike anything I have experienced even with my ex husband. We can both be ourselves entirely in one another's presence completely and be completely at ease and we are just so compatible in so many ways. I love being in his presence and when I am not with him I miss him terribly. At first, I could tell it was the same for him.
And then I brought up the ex. I told him I didn't want to be a rebound, and I wanted to do things right with him, and that I would understand if he needed time, b/c I've been there. He told me to stop worrying about it at first, but then he finally admitted that he hadn't really dealt with the situation, along with some other things, and that he couldnt' really devote himself to me the way he wanted, the way I deserve.
So basically he said that we would be extremely close friends and still spend alot of time together but not have sex. He said he would be a "nautical human being" if he slept with me but not being fully in love with me.
And so we still see one another almost every day. He still sleeps here with me many nights a week, but we don't have sex.
He moved here from Huntington (a city 40 minutes away) to be with his ex. He was 6 credit hours away from his degree, but she made him feel so awful about being so far from her (a whole whopping 40 minutes) that he quit and moved here to be with her. He is thinking about moving back. In fact he has found an apartment and as far as I know he is going soon, in the next few weeks.
I am supportive of his decision. I think he should go back and finish his degree. besides, he is more comfortable in Huntington, everything here reminds him of her.
He said he wanted to be near me, and I laughed it off and said "Sweetie it's only like 40 minutes away. It's not like you can't still see me, you just won't see me everyday. Go."
And I said that but my heart was sinking. But I couldn't live with myself if I held him back in any way, from anything that would make him happy.
And so I know that most likely things will not work out between James and I. That's his name, James. Not because we are wrong for each other, but b/c it's just an extremely bad time, and he needs to move on with his life. He may meet someone else in a few months and/or realize that his present attraction to me was out of loneliness rather than genuine affection. I went through alot of men because of loneliness right after my husband.

I am trying to be supportive and patient and understanding, and just a good Friend.
It wouldn't be fair right now for me to tell him how I really feel about him and how much I want to be with him, I think that's too much right now. I may never tell him. It wouldn't be fair to do that to him.
So I am just going to let him go, and encourage him, and be there for him, and hope that in time he will decide he wants to be with me. If not, then I guess it wasn't right to begin with.

He is very good to Bubby. He interacts with Bubby when he is here and he plays with him and he pays as much attention to Bubby as he does to me. Bubby said that he loves James and he asks about him when James isn't here. He told James not to let Bryan come back and that Bryan is mean.

But as much as I want to be with him, and as crazy as I am about him, as wonderful as I think he is, I have to let him go. It's the only right thing. I can't put demands on him right now, this girl just really hurt him (mentally and physically) and I know he still loves her, he has to, it's only been about 2 months. For all I know, she isn't really gone, they're just broken up for the time being. He said he thinks the reason she doesn't want to be with him is her parents and the fact that they never liked him. He could be right. I don't know. Given what she did to him I hope that he would not go back to her under any circumstance, but being that I have been there, I know that he probably would. I can only hope that I have showed him that he deserves better and that he doesn't have to live that way.

There's also the fact that I am a single mother and that I have far less money than he does. I come from far less than he does. I have little to offer him. In fact, I really don't have anything to offer him. I could never give him what he deserves. My life consists of responsibility and poverty right now. He is still young (26) and I don't think it's fair to ask him to deal with my lifestyle.I don't really think it's fair to ask anyone to deal with my lifestyle right now. I could love him and be supportive of him and always be there for him, but I think that when his head clears he will realize that his attraction to me was loneliness and insecurity and nothing more.

I think I love him. But I want what's best for him. I think the world of him and he deserves to be happy. He should most definately move to Huntington and deal with getting over her and getting his life together. If after all that he wants to fit me into that life in a more serious way, then nothing would make me happier. But if we're going to do this, I want to do it right this time.
 
 
28 August 2006 @ 08:58 pm
Bryan gave me my money today.
 
 
21 August 2006 @ 03:28 pm
So, sorry I haven't logged on in a few days everybody. I've got people coming to my house tomorrow to hook me up with internet, so (cross your fingers) I should be signing on tomorrow night. :)

To catch you up to speed: Bryan said he would like to keep seeing me, but he still moved out. Then, a couple of days later, he let me know in no uncertain terms, in a very cold and unkind way, that he never wanted to see me again. I said ok. He's supposed to be going to my house this evening while I am in class to get the remainder of his things. Hopefully he will be able to get all of his stuff today.

As for me, I am dealing the best I can. Sh*t happens and you just gotta roll with the punches. I'll get over it. I miss him, and I think about him alot, but that will pass with time. I'm trying as much to get over the things he said the other night as I am to actually get over him. Yeah, it was that bad, at least to me it was.

If he honestly feels the way he said he did (and I assume he does), then he's right, we should most definately break up and not see each other and not talk. I don't even want to be around someone who feels that way towards me and thinks of me in that manner, even as a friend. and Bryan is such a seedy and deceitful person, I don't see how I could ever keep someone like that as a friend. Bryan only keeps people in his life that he can benefit from in some way. I have nothing left to give him, and do not intend to expend another ounce of energy on making him happy, so yeah, this is for the best.

He compared me to an ex boyfriend of mine. He suggested that I go back out with this other guy that I broke up with b/c he was so "in love" with me. I responded:"Are you insane? He was f*cked in the head. He started saying he loved me two weeks after he met me. He was a leach and a sponge. Not to mention the fact that he was only 19. He was a kid, and I have a son. It took me forever to get rid of him, he was a thorn in my side!"

He said: "Good. Now you know how I feel."

Some other things he said:

"You're too young and immature for me."

"We're two different people, our lives are headed in two different directions."

"You're just not the type of girl I could fall in love with."

"If we stay together I'll end up cheating on you just to drive you away."

And of course he repeated and reiterated these points over and over again. I didn't get much of an opportunity to talk, he was yelling and he was drunk and going on and on and on.

All of these things were really hurtful to me. Especially that he feels that I am beneath him in terms of maturity and that he feels that I am a thorn in his side and he would cheat on me just to get me to go away. I mean that extreme is certainly not necessary. He was the one who said we should keep dating and "see where things go", so I mistakenly took him at face value on that. I didn't realize I was such a nusance. But I do know. Not a nusance he will have to deal with anymore though.

And so yeah, that's it, I'm done. It took 5 long island iced teas for me to get the point. I would like to reiterate though, I really did not realize that he saw me as so far beneath him and that I was such a nusance to him. Anyway, as I already said, anyone who feels that way about me, well I don't want someone like that in my life at all, even as a friend. I'm sorry to myself that I did not break up with him sooner.

I don't know if ever liked me as much as he claimed or if it was just about money and convenience. It looks to me like it was more about money and convenience. I mean, he broke up with me as soon as he started making some money at a new job. And no, he hasn't given me any money. He said he would, but you know as well as I do that I will see that money when I see snowballs in hell.

I'm jumping back and forth from kicking myself to missing him to remembering everything he said that night to remembering about the money to kicking myself again. It's a vicious cycle. By the end of the semester I will be over it, I think.

Also, I'm on happy pills now. Maybe the world will be a safer place for unbearable human beings now. I haven't noticed too much of a difference, but the doc said they may take a few weeks or they may not work at all and we may have to try something else. We'll see.

I'm still looking for a job. Wish me luck.

Hope everyone is doing well! :)
 
 
08 August 2006 @ 11:46 am
It's really irritating (not to mention inconvenient) when you're at work and you can't stop crying. No I mean I really can't stop. I'm trying to. I dried my eyes, blowed my nose, gently dabbled my face with a tissue to try and not mess up my makeup anymore, and then the water works start again and the water just rolls and rolls and rolls. I try not to think about it but I'm still very upset and depressed and even though I have the will to postpone the crying until tonight when I am alone, the tears just keep coming and other people have noticed and it's embarassing and I really wish my eyes would stop!!

I guess if Bryan doesn't want to go to lunch then I will find a spot on my lunch hour to hide and see if I can't get some if it out until I'm really alone tonight and can just let go. :)

Check it out, I added some recent pictures.
 
 
27 July 2006 @ 01:55 pm
Hmm. I think I may be becoming a ragaholic. I think I could really benefit from some anger managment classes, preferrably before I really hurt someone.

I have always had an explosive temper. I suppose you could say that I am passive-aggressive because I let some people in some situations (like my boss for instance) walk all over me. But other people, if they so much as step on my toes I become some kind of blood sucking bitch.

Perhaps the anger stems from the people in my personal life that I allow to abuse me. Or maybe I am just one of those people who should stay on happy pills.

Some examples: The other day in traffic I was trying to merge from a lane that was ending into the lane beside me and this guy was driving alongside me and when I turned on my turn signal and he sped up. The lane was ending and he almost ran me off the road. I laid on my horn, flipped him off, and pulled my car directly in front of his, forcing him to slam on the brakes. He then got on my rear and when I pulled into a turning lane to turn he pulled up beside me and said: "You f*cking c*nt what the f*ck is your problem?" to which my reply was the loudest most hateful most menacing "F*ck you *sshole" I could muster. Although after the fact, I was thinking that my reply should have been a calm cool and collected "That's Thunderc*nt to you *sshole." with the snidest evil grin I could create. But my most primal urges consisted of chasing him down and running him off the road into the trees. But I quickly decided that was a bad idea. Wouldn't want to hurt any innocent bystanders in the fight against mysogynistic men.

Something similar happened to me a while back. I was trying to merge and I was doing 80 on the interstate (trying to get over) and this guy in a cadillac decided he wasn't going to let me over, instead he was going to kill me by running me into the retaining wall through the hollow construction barrels. I finally was left with no choice and quickly pulled my car into the right lane in front of him. Then he got in the far right lane beside me and passed me on the right, got in front of me and started tapping his brakes. I laid on my horn. He was from Virginia, surprise surprise. I followed him for quite a while, determinded that the minute he pulled that vehicle over he was going to get the most hellacious earful he had ever had in his life. But I didn't feel like following him all the way to Virginia, so I got discouraged and gave up.

Then today when I was crossing the street, someone in a black mercedes was about 30 yards away from me. I had plenty of time to cross the street (they were 30 yards away). Instead of slowing down a little to let me cross, he/she sped up considerable and almost hit me. I jumped onto the sidewalk at the last second and they missed me by about 1 foot, I am not exaggerating. I turned around and yelled an unkind profanity and flipped them the bird. I wanted to run up to the car (they were stopped at a red light) and asked them what the f*ck they thought they were doing, but the light changed before I had the chance.

The phone keeps ringing at work and people keep needing things "right away" and every time I get interrupted I want to yell (I don't of course, I smile and say "what do you need?") but I want to scream. The phone rings like every 30 seconds. I just keep taking deep breaths and trying to think of nice peaceful things. Nice peaceful things that don't involved hurting people or screaming at them or breaking things. I go through spells where I just get sick of everybodies' sh*t and just want to tell them all to f*ck off and if they don't like it they can kiss my white *ss. and then disappear into the forest or the jungle or the country and build my own house and never leave my property unless I have to go to the store and just grow things and paint and read and watch television and play with my son and, well, whatever I want. That's right. What I want. not anybody else. Not what anybody else wants. not what anybody else needs. no other people. just ME. ME ME ME ME.

How horrible. how awful. how incredibly immature of me to just be flat out sick and tired of everybody's sh*t.

Deep breath. Deep Breath. Think happy thoughts....
 
 
 
24 July 2006 @ 03:33 pm
Maybe I just couldn't deal with the disappointment again so soon. I mean, I had just had the greatest disappointment of my life. Maybe, it was just too soon for me to be able to deal with another one. Even though I knew in the beginning, and still know now, that it could never work. In spite of the inevitable outcome, maybe psychologically I found it easier to deal with the cheating and the lieing than to deal with the cold hard facts and the disappointment of such. I mean when this all started between us I had dealt with so much disappointment already. I hadn't even had time to heal.
I think that my recent contemplation of breaking up with Bryan is me being ready to deal with that. Me starting to be ready to deal with being alone, all the time. Me starting to be ready to deal with the disappointment of yet another person that I felt strongly for not reciprocating, and what's worse taking advantage of me. My ex husband did that repetitively until I cut off all communication with him completely.
Maybe I'm starting to be ready to not only admit the truth to myself, but actually deal with it.
And maybe the reason I haven't done it yet is the fact that I'm not really ready. Not really ready to hurt that way. I'm not sure I'm ready for that again just yet. I went through a small amount of his cold-heartedness about a week ago, had to deal with it, and given my reaction and the way I felt, I think it's safe to say that I'm not ready. I know I will do it when I'm ready. I just hope I'm ready to deal with it before he's packed his things and beat me to the punch. Because I really don't know how I would react to being left again. I want to be strong enough to deal with it, I'm just not there yet.

I feel old. I look old too. Not over the hill, but I look older than 21. I look about 27, that's what most people guess. I have circles and bags under my eyes. And I have a sad expression I can't seem to wipe away. I look tired. Not as tired as I feel though. I'm so tired emotionally, that it's making me tired physically. which is just another reason that I know that now is not the time. Now's the best time to end it though. School hasn't started yet so I would have enough time to get used to it and I wouldn't have to worry about him leaving while I was in school and sending me into another uncontrollable grieving spell.

I wouldn't grieve uncontrollably over him. The grief and pain isn't so much associated with him personally as the disappointment. The disappointment of not being loved in return by someone you loved. The disappointment of not being good enough for yet another person. The disappointment of not being valued by yet another person. The disappointment of having all my efforts go unappreciated by yet another person. The disappointment of being invisible to someone I once admired. The disappointment of another failed relationship. It's not easy for me to have genuine feelings for someone. So, when I do, it's a tremendous disappointment for them not to feel the same and/or for them not to see me as I see them.

But now, when I look in the mirror, sometimes I feel I can understand how someone might not see me as a worthy pursuit. I did not always feel that way, but recently I have once or twice. I'm not as pretty as I used to be. But then, I don't feel as pretty as I used to be, and I like to look just how I feel. I like for what I see in the mirror and the way that I see myself to be the same, and I feel uncomfortable with anything different.

I'm tired and I just don't want to hurt anymore. Unfortunately, I have yet again mananged to put myself in a situation where that is unavoidable. I can stay and be unhappy for an uncertain amount of time, or I can leave and be miserable for uncertain amount of time. If I stay he will leave and I will still be miserable, but miserable with no self-respect for not having the balls to leave him myself before he desserted me. So I guess that leaves just ending it myself.

yes, I'm scared. Of what, I don't know. Pain I guess.
Do you love him? I love the person he appears to be most of the time. Is that who he really is? I don't know. I have been told by numerous sources, and based on his track record as well, No, that's not who he really is.
Do you think he will change? People don't change. The only time anyone ever changes is when he/she starts to hate themselves. He's left tons of women before me, even women he loved (because it was a bad situation). He doesn't love me. He will most certainly leave me. He drops hints all the time that he will leave me. He talks about how much he can't wait to move after he graduates next May. I think that is his way of telling me that he has no intention of staying. What a coward. Not just me, him too.

I do know one thing. I know that when this relationship is over that I am and will still be too tired for another one. Bags and circles under my eyes, at 22? That means it's time to slow down. That means, eliminate some stress. That means, create an atmosphere of peace and tranquility for yourself as much as possible. Bags and circles at 60 mean time has caught up with you. Bags and circles at 22 mean life has caught up with you, and that it came at you too hard, too fast. I have too much working against me right now: money, time, loneliness, fear, void, regrets, economic status, responsibilities. Every day is a battle to at least move forward in some way. Every day my goal is to accomplish something, even just the laundry or the dishes (this is in addition to work and school and my son and putting gas in the car and going to the bank and...)

I need a break. Especially from relationships. I just know beyond a shadow of a doubt that asking me to make one more sacrifice is one sacrifice too many right now. I need to concentrate on the things in life that are guaranteed. I need routine. I need time for me. I need to be able to go home from work or class and know what to expect---not worry if he will be there when I get there and if he is not there wondering where he is.

I don't need to deal with the problems and details of a relationship and to have to consider the feelings of yet another person. Having to consider the feelings of my immediate family is enough for me right now. Until I get better. Until I get strong again. I used to be hard as rock and tough as nails. But not anymore. Even Supermoms need a break. I think it's time to move on to the next stage of healing: Learning to be Alone.

I'm starting to think that maybe people should just not have romantic relationships. The consequences of such intense feelings are too great. Logically speaking, let's look at the facts: you feel so strongly for another person that they have the ability to hurt you so badly that it literally takes you YEARS to get over it, all the while changing you forever. That's not a safe place to be. I once compared Love to a Venus Flytrap. Think about it. People are human, and they can destroy you without even meaning to. Totally and completely and with the best of intentions slaughter you emotionally. Let's just say you're in love and you've been together for 5 years and he/she meets someone else. They tell you, b/c it's the right thing, and they leave immediately, b/c it's the right thing. They're not a bad person. They fell in love, just not with you. Now, still think serious relationships are ever, by any remote possibility, a safe place to be?

I don't think so, but I would like to hope so. I would like to hope that somebody someday would prove me wrong. But then again, in all honest, that's really just another romantic notion, isn't it?
 
 
20 July 2006 @ 01:12 pm
As a future scientist, I am infuriated.

I have done research on this topic as assignments for college.

Stem cells are undifferentiated. This means that they have not yet become a liver cell, or a brain cell, or a tissue cell, or a skin cell, etc. Stem cells are cells that have the *potential to become any type of cell that exists within the body of its parent species. In lay men's terms, that means that the stem cells of an ape could potentially become an ape liver cell or an ape gastrointestinal epithelial cell, etc.

What does this mean for science?

Due to the ability to isolate DNA and transfer it from one cell to another, this means it is possible to manipulate stem cells to become a mass of skin cells (which can be used for skin grafts for burn victims), or a mass of liver cells (which can be used to treat life-threatening cases of diabetes) or a mass of brain cells (which can be used to treat parkinson's disease) or hell even maybe someday it could be used to create myelin to repair the myelin sheaths of multiple sclerosis sufferers.

I stress, reiterate, stem cells are not people. Not to mention, those fertilized eggs are sitting in refrigerators, not wombs.

By vetoing that bill, Bush is vetoing life saving research. He is vetoing life saving treatments. Hell he's vetoing life saving altogether as well as the advancement of science. Why? I don't think he really cares about stem cell research. He doesn't even know anything about stem cell research. I can almost guarantee if you asked Bush "What are undifferentiated cells?" he would not respond "Stem cells".

However, when those people become ill. All those people that think that it's immoral or unethical to used wasted matter to benefit mankind ---become ill and are dying they will ask their doctor "Is there nothing you can do? Has science not advanced beyond this point?"

For some reason Bush and his southern cornbread-fed Bible Thumpers think that fertilized eggs are "innocent human life". Hmmm, I wonder if they like their eggs scrambled or fried?

They also think that those eggs should be used for artificial insemination. All those "grateful parents" don't seem to care too much about the trully genuinely innocent human life sitting alone and unloved in foster homes around the world. China has so many unwanted baby girls that they practically give them away to anybody who will take them. But why should they care, it's not their kid, right?

I vote we stop electing wealthy ignorant WASPS into office. I vote we make it a requirement that someone must have a doctorate or a master's in some field (preferably sociology or some type of international relations, political science, foreign affairs, HISTORY, etc, but science fields are helpful too) in order to even run for president or any other national political office. This includes senate and delegate. Do you really want an art major making decisions on public health policies that will affect your children? I don't. I'm sorry, a bachelor's in political science doesn't qualify a man to lead a nation.


"Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing."
Oscar Wilde
 
 
19 July 2006 @ 12:24 pm
There is this voice inside my head. For some reason the same question pops into my head all the time. This question that I ask myself over and over and I have no idea why I ask myself this question. I've been asking myself this question for years. It disappeared for a long while. Since I started seeing Bryan I've been asking myself this question again. Again, not making sense to me at all, but there in my mind nonetheless. And then I meditated on exactly what that question meant.

"Are you alone?"

me "completely"

That is the question, and that is always the same answer.

and sometimes it continues...

"But you are with Bryan, aren't you?"

me "Not really"

I meditated on this question and the answer finally came to me. It (be it God or myself) is telling me that a relationship with this person is not necessary. Even though I am with him, I am still completely alone. Thus, the relationship itself is really doing nothing for me. I mean, none of my needs are getting met, at all. Even the most basic part of companionship ---the part of not being completely alone anymore---is absent.

But what about before Bryan when this question and answer came to me?

My entire life I have felt like I was looking for something, I just don't know what. There is always this emptiness inside me. Always. My soul is searching desperately for something. I just don't know what it is though. It's as if the question exists to remind me that I haven't found it. I assume that emptiness will exist inside me until I do find it. I don't know if it is something outside of me I am supposed to find, or some clarity within me that I am supposed to find. I am leaning more towards something inside me.
When I do find it, I'm sure I will shout it from the roof tops.
 
 
14 July 2006 @ 10:25 am
He might be leaving today. We discussed it briefly last night, but I never got a straight answer out of him as to whether or not he was. We had another fight last night, obviously since we discussed him leaving.

He was still mad about the argument we had the other night. I brought up a new subject, which was probably the wrong time to do so. "This is the coldest deadest dryest relationship I have ever been in in my life!" He didn't seem too concerned about this. His only solution to this was that he leave, since I did say something about breaking up with him the other day. Maybe he was playing head games and he just wanted to see how serious I was, I don't know.

But, when I tried to talk to him about the present problems, he said the same thing he always says, that I'm crazy and abusive. Crazy b/c I think he would cheat on me (and for believing what Nark said to me) and abusive b/c he caught me checking the phone records and b/c I ask what he did all day while I was at work and b/c I actually confronted him about by suspicions. Now honestly, he has me so befuddled at this point, that I can't decide if those behaviors are abusive or not.

I mean, if they were then it was not intentional. I mean, I can see where making threats or telling him that I'm watching him or something like that could be abusive. But i didn't do anything like that. I snuck around behind his back to check the phone records, I didn't tell him I was doing it and wave it in his face. I asked him how his day was or "what did you do all day?", like making conversation. That's not unreasonable is it? As far as confronting him, I told him simply and quietly what I heard him say to Nark. I didn't say things like "You're caught" or "You lieing son of a bitch". No, that's not how I handle things at all. I never even called him a name. I mean, I really don't see how I'm abusive.
I mean, if you have issues in a relationship, if you have questions about things that look suspicious to you, you should be able to bring it up right?
I mean, would he rather that I just broke up with him than to ask him first?
Does he not want the opportunity to defend himself?
It feels to me like I'm the one being abused here, b/c when I bring up things he tells me that I'm either crazy or abusive or both. He's making me feel like the worst possible thing I can do is talk about something that's bothering me.
I don't know, maybe I am crazy. Maybe you really are just supposed to break up with a person based on suspicion alone? Maybe it's abusive to confront someone...I don't know.

Anyway, he shrugged everything off and kept a smug grin about him throughout the entire discussion. I laid down in the bed just to get away from him and the entire situation. He left me alone. He didn't care. He never fails to let me know he doesn't care. He is causing me to fall out of love with him at record speed. I don't think anyone has ever accomplished that so quickly, not that there are really that many people to compare him to, this is the third guy I've ever actually had feelings for. Not the third guy I"ve ever dated, but the third one I ever had feelings for. He knows that, he doesn't appreciate that, it bothers him, he can't reciprocate.

I want to extend a big THANK YOU to Ashley for letting me cry on her shoulder last night (well in her ear actually b/c we were on the phone). But THANK YOU Ashley for being there and for letting me cry. :)
 
 
07 July 2006 @ 04:47 pm
I'm going to tell you what he did. It may not make sense to you if I haven't included important details in previous blogs, but you might catch the significance so I'm going to tell you anyway.

Ashley called my phone (which Bryan has with him) today looking for me. Bryan did not answer. He then called Ashley back from another number. A number which she will show me tonight and if I don't know it I'll be calling it.

Why is that significant? Bryan has been spending alot of time at his dad's office during the day. Literally hours. Allegedly. I think he's been using his dad's phone to call carrie. I think this b/c he was using Nark's phone until Nark told me about it. And the phone he has is not dead b/c I left it for him at the house this morning fully charged. Bryan had absolutely nothing to say to me this afternoon when I called to talk to him about when he was leaving for Fayetteville. In fact, he was kind of rude. Yet, he seems to have no trouble finding things to talk about with Carrie four or five times a day.

See here's how I work. I take shit. I take it and I take it and I take it. But I never really forget about any of it. And eventually the assholes fuck up so unbelievably badly, or they catch me at a bad time, or they just do that one little thing, that one thing that is just the last straw that I just cannot take it anymore. and then..

BAM!

I break up or break off or whatever you want to call it so fast that their little mouthes are left agape and I NEVER take them back. I change my phone number. I stop answering the phone. It hurts. Sometimes it's hard. But then all I have to do is consistently remind myself of what they did. Of the fact that they don't love me. They didn't love me then and they don't love me now just b/c they lost me.
I always say: A person can only tolerate some much bullshit.
and then they're done. Just done. Just...no matter what you do or what you say you have hurt them so badly that even though they may love you, they cannot justify having you in their life. Bryan is giving me the impression that he may be one of those people that I will just have to love from a distance b/c they don't love me and they don't care for me and they will hurt me very badly if I keep them around.

My prayer,

Dear God,
Help me maintain self control. Help me to be rational and logical and understanding and patient. And help me to know when and how to use this Rubber Boot you have given me. And when I use it, God, help me to know just how hard to kick him in the ass so that the Rubber Boot does not choke him.

Have a Nice Day
 
 
 
07 July 2006 @ 04:42 pm
I am having a horrible...Year. But to highlight this week...

I don't think Bryan's sister likes me, I can't tell.

My Dad is giving me guilt trips to get me to spend time with him. My stepmom and stepsister went home to China for a few weeks (they do that every summer) and he's lonely.

My mother is not speaking to me. I blew up on her the other morning. It was too early and she was being too irrational about something too trivial.

I had to talk to my ex husband and he tried to give me a guilt trip too. He threw out some bait and when I didn't bite he got irritated and got off the phone. I don't feel bad.

My boyfriend is not in love with me and he's probably cheating on me. I really need extra support right now I'm rather depressed and he is not helping. He keeps pushing me away.

I may not get to go back to school in the fall, or ever. They are suspending my financial aid and without financial aid I cannot go to school. I am trying to appeal this.

I miss my son greatly.

My special visitor decided to show up wednesday morning. Right on schedule but nonetheless it still adds to the stress.

My boss informed on wednesday that I am to be an office telephone technician. That way, he doesn't have to pay for a service call to a real technician. He berated me rather harshly (as has been his pattern lately) about the fact that I was not already a substitute phone technician and did not have the password to program the phone to ring a certain number of times before going to voicemail.

Yesterday morning he pulled me into his office and berated me about my appearance. I was wearing white slacks and a white button up shirt and I had my hair pulled back. He informed me that he had been meaning to speak with me about my appearance. He said that I had worked on my hair a little (meaning that I had colored it) but that I had been pulling it back everyday and that was not going to "cut it". He also informed me that I am not "bubbly" enough and he expects me to greet him every morning with a bright smile and a bright hello. I took it all quietly and went home on my lunch hour and changed my clothes and readjusted my hair. It made him happy. I wanted to say "I'm not your barbie doll and I don't have to kiss your ass!". But as I have stated before I need this job.

My dear friend, who got me this job, feels really horribly. She has apologized and I can tell she's very embarassed. I don't want her to feel badly, it is not her fault. She said to me"Oh dear God Stacy I hope you know that if I had known he was going to treat you this way I never would have recommended this job to you." So, I do my best not to vent about him too much to her. I would rather work on building a closer unprofessional friendship with her rather than keeping her as a colleague b/c I will only be here another 6 weeks or so and I would like to keep in touch with her (and everyone else in the office) beyond that. I've made some excellent friends here and gained some valuable experience dealing with a difficult personality in a position of power. So it's not completely negative. :)

And so I went home yesterday needing extra love and affection. I got some affection. Although it was only in moderation (as usual) and he let me know it no uncertain terms that he was not comfortable with my pursuit of affection. He didn't say that, but he dropped alot of hints.

So I think I will go home tonight to an empty house. Bryan's going back to Fayetteville to try to work this weekend and I'm not up for it this weekend. I think I will go home and clean house and cry. That's really all I have wanted to do all this week, just sit and cry for a few hours, just let it all out. I haven't had the opportunity (well except for Tuesday during the day) b/c I haven't been alone long enough. I was alone Tuesday during the day and I did cry all day; but I'm not done I need to do it again. I just need some time to myself to sit and feel sorry for myself and get it out of my system. I'm so stressed. D*mn these F*cking hormones!!! (I swear, it's like the universe is somehow connected to my menstrual cycle, everytime she visits me I have a horrible horrible week).

I'm sitting here thinking of ways to occupy my time and relieve some stress that does not involve smoking anything or drinking. Hmmm, I think I might go visit my grandma. She's always been a safehaven for me...

(and I am not apologizing to my mother. grandma is not going to talk me into it either. SHE was being irrational. I'm not playing these childish games with her. she's a grown woman and she needs to act like it. I am not feeding into this petty bullshit. What is it with people and guilt trips this week???!!!)
 
 
29 June 2006 @ 10:24 am
I confronted him.

I couldn't help it. He disappeared until 6:45 yesterday, didn't call me, had the phone turned off, and when he got back he claimed he had been at one of his mandatory meetings.
He never goes to his meetings at 5:30, he always goes at 8:00 when he goes in the evening. It was bullshit.

Basically he agreed that I had reason not to trust him given the situation between us. (him not being in love with me) He agreed not to talk to Carrie anymore, but stuck to his story about being at a meeting, which I still don't buy.

Then, I confronted him about why he is with me. Same old story there. He proposed a solution to that problem, which sounded more like an 'easy out' to me. He proposed he move back in at his place for a while, and then when he keeps seeing me that will prove to me that he is not, in fact, attempting to take advantage of the situation at all.

After a couple hours of disagreeing and discussing and some arguing, I passed out on the couch.

At 4:30 this morning I wake up. He had hidden the cell phone in his pocket and deleted ALL of the recent calls lists (missed, received, and dialed). He called someone last night, I just don't know who. I don't know if it was Carrie or Nark. I imagine he called Nark to give him hell. (Nark told me about Bryan calling Carrie secretively 5 times the other day). Either way, that bullshit of deleting the call history and hiding the phone was done intentionally to piss me off.

So I've done 1 of 2 things, I've either:
1) temporarily solved one of the major problems between me and Bryan, whose name is Carrie
or
2) I've taught him to be sneakier

I don't know. But I let him know I knew exactly what (I thought) he was trying to do with Carrie. I told him it appeared to me that Carrie was still niave in alot of ways and it appeared to me that Bryan was playing the "sweet and supportive guy friend" game with her and he was sneaking around behind my back to do it. Little bastard.

And of course, you know the drill, you've probably caught someone cheating before. According to him, everything was completely innocent. According to him, he was being sneaky b/c he knew how much it bothered me and he didn't want to deal with me being upset about his friendship with her. And of course, the usual "If it will make you feel better I'll stop talking to her" However, if that was his intention, and he cared that much about my feelings, then why did he sneak behind my back in the first place?? I mean I have to ask myself, is this really over, or is he just going to be sneakier? And I told him last night: time would tell.

Furthermore, he was acting as if he couldn't have female friends at all. I told him I knew exactly what he was doing with that head game too. I told him "Look, you're acting like you can't have any female friends. I'm not saying that. I have legitimate reasons to be upset about this shit with Carrie. I have cell phone bills to prove it."

He's been talking to Carrie quite a bit. He's just been using someone else's phone. At least that's what I think. Evidently she just had surgery on her bladder which I knew nothing about. That came out yesterday too, although it holds no relevance other than to prove that he is talking to her quite a bit.

And he was still mad this morning. And frankly, I'm still mad. and I'm thinking about taking him up on his offer to move out for a while. Because I'm so angry with the entire situation at this point that I can't even think clearly. I told him yesterday "You don't understand. I don't NEED this drama. I just got done with major drama (my divorce), I DON'T need or want drama in my life!"

I told him he was f*cking with the wrong head. I told him he was playing mind games. I told him he obviously didn't care about my feelings. He attempted to prove that he did.
The only thing of any actual merrit about this argument was that there was very little arguing or raised voices and alot of constructive conversation. I was a bit of roadblock there though. He wanted proposed solutions to the problem, I wanted to vent. However, I didn't do alot of venting. I just told him exactly how I felt and that I could see exactly what was going on and I did NOT appreciate it at all. Like I said, I told him I didn't need this shit and he picked the wrong person to play games with.

The phone number I found in his pocket was actually a female friend. And he proved that to me. That, I believe. That's about all I believe. I think I'm going to go get a guy's opinion on this situation...see what a good friend of mine thinks...
 
 
26 June 2006 @ 12:06 pm
This is perhaps arranged like a poem
But it is not a poem
It's just the style that I chose to arrange it
I think short lines and plenty of breaks
Makes it easier to read

There is a black cloud that overshadows everything around us
Everything we do together
All the time we spend together
And I can feel it everytime you look at me

When you look at me you do not 'light up'
When I come in after a long day
sometimes you force a smile
No kisses
Perhaps that's partially my fault
When you look at me
you always look disappointed
And I feel so sorry for you
Because you look so unhappy

You feel trapped
I can see it,
and I can feel it
When you are depressed
I am depressed
Maybe you don't realize it
or maybe you just can't help it

You blame your depression
on your present legal situation
and I don't completely buy it
Sometimes, that's what's on your mind
But not always
You are obviously thinking seriously about something
seriously considering your life in some way
and you won't share,
which means, to me, that it must involve me in some negative way

I think you are using me
and I think you feel guilty
but you feel as though you have no other choice
I think you're depressed (sometimes)
because you don't want to be with me
but like I said,
you feel as if you have no choice

When this is all over
when the legalities are resolved
when you graduate
You plan to move on
you've already talked openly
about how you plan to move
you've invited me
although I don't think you are serious about that
but I don't know
But when this is all over
you will leave
You won't look back
You won't need me anymore
I will have served my purpose

But it all really boils down to one thing
You settled for me
You settled for me because
you couldn't have her
The one you wanted
You mourned her
You still mourn her sometimes
Maybe you blame me a little
I don't know what happened
or why she didn't want you
I just know you settled for me
because you needed somebody
and I was convenient
and Now, maybe,
you regret that

So let's recap
When you look at me,
You look disappointed, so much so that I can feel it
You quite obviously feel trapped and obligated and guilty
You settled for me
Even though you were in love with her
You settled for me b/c you felt as if you had to
And I think you regret that now
And you want to leave
But you don't know when
and you don't know how
And you feel guilty
And the guilt causes you to feel trapped in a relationship
you don't want to be in with someone
you're not in love with
and tolerating a screaming kid
that you have no idea how to deal with
and it scares you shitless
and you fight the urge to run

And I could tell you all this
But you would say that I'm crazy
That everything isn't always about me
that I read too much into things
and that none of this is true

And I want to tell you
I want to tell you to run
To Go
that I don't want your guilt
or your feelings of obligation
that you obviously want
and Need
to be Free
I want to tell you
to stop feeling so guilty
That I know you're leaving
that I've known from the beginning
that you were leaving
that I'm actually surprised
that you've stayed as long as you have
because I really didn't think you'd stay
6 weeks,
I especially didn't expect you to stay 6 months

Maybe someday I will tell you
Maybe someday I will bring it up
when the time is right
when you are in the right mood
so that it doesn't start a quarrel
There's no need to quarrel
There's nothing to fight about
You're leaving,
You settled for me,
and that's the bottom line.
 
 
22 June 2006 @ 12:44 pm
The Unsent Letter

I took your stuff to your Dad's. I think I got everything. You might want to get it soon though, in case it rains. I would have taken it inside but the door was locked.
I wish I could say I'm sorry, but I'm not. I need to be in a relationship where I feel safe. I need to know that the person that I am with cares about me and wants to be with me. At some point, I would like to be with someone who loves me. I need to be with someone who cares as much as about my happiness as I do about his. I am sorry for one thing: I am sorry that I let this go on for so long. I may have mislead you. Perhaps I gave you the impression that I would be satisfied just to be with you and that I didn't need anything else. For that, I do apologize. At first, that was my intention. I tried to just be with you and overlook the fact that you weren't in love with me and the fact that you don't want children. However, I didn't expect it to be this hard or that it would hurt this much. The longer I am with you the more evident it is that we do not want the same things from this relationship, and that hurts. The other day when I asked you to give me something to let me know that you were with me for the right reasons, you couldn't. This is not a punishment. This is me doing what I have to do for myself. You have to understand, I can't wait around to be left again. To stay with you under these circumstances is just asking to be emotionally mutilated again. I just got my life back together, hell I'm still working on it. Life is too short, and I don't want to waste another minute of it being unhappy or being with someone who doesn't really care for me the way I do them. I spent 7 years in a relationship like that, and I don't want to do it again. I don't blame you, this outcome is entirely on my shoulders. You told me from the beginning how you felt, and you told me all the reservations you had about us dating, and I didn't listen. You were right, and I'm sorry that I put us both through this. I've asked myself from the beginning if I backed you into a corner and made you feel obligated to do something you didn't want to do, and the longer we're together the more I can see that the answer to that question is yes. I wanted to be with you, but not like this. What I wanted was for the feelings to mutual. The feelings cannot be mutual. I can accept that. I don't hate you. Like I said, this one is my fault.
I hope everything works out for you and that you find everything you need to be happy.
Give Gino kisses for me.
 
 
22 June 2006 @ 09:48 am
I wonder if my life will ever get any easier.
I wonder if there will ever be a time when I don't have to live paycheck to paycheck. A time when I can afford the things I need for myself and my family. A time when I won't have to choose which very important responsibility I will use my tax refund to take care of. Car insurace? Getting my wisdom teeth removed? Getting my car fixed? Clothes for myself and my son? Getting the materials and paying someone to fix that hole in the wall, new kitchen sink and pipes, fixing the bathroom sink,...and so many other things.
And the refund still has not gotten here.
I hate living this way. I can't wait to go back to school and graduate and get out of this rut...

Money, Money, Money, the older I get the more important it is to me